By Aaisha Zafar Islam
I have seen scores of ladies ask for a good instructor to help them train and pass their road test. Never have I seen anyone solicit advice on how to fail their road test, but I feel that one should. I say this because I am a veteran of sorts, an expert in failing my road tests. The sole time I managed to pass my road test in first attempt, I attribute to stars aligning in my favour, or the examiner getting his head conked as I drove over a bump. Who knows what fluke got me through that test and qualify for a G2 three years ago. I grandly let my license expire and all my attempts since, to get a G or even a G2 have been dismal failures.
My repeated failures have also awakened my enterprising side, and now I want to give classes – pro bono – online and in person, to those who seek my road wisdom or lack of it thereof. Without further ado, here are my tips, some tried and tested to make sure you do NOT pass your road test.
Before getting on the road
- Deliberately mix up your signals before the actual test starts. When the examiner says right, flick your indicator lights to left and vice versa.
- When he asks you to brake, with all your might, step on the gas. Oh yeah!
- Sit back and make sure you do not have your seat belt buckled in. When he points it out, make a great show of how cumbersome you find it.
- Finally, when he asks you to start the car, do not change gears and attempt to drive the car in the Parking gear. He should be the one to point it out to you.
On the road
By now, the examiner must be furiously scribbling away on your report sheet. If not, there are more things you can do to get that fail.
- Never follow the posted speed signs, always go a good 20 kph over or under the speed limit. Particularly in residential streets and school zones where it says 40 kph, do not worry and cruise breezily at a good 60 kph.
- On main roads, where the speed limit is 70 kph, move into the ‘pass’ lane on your left, and take your foot off the accelerator. Slowly and leisurely do a 50 kph. If someone honks at you, honk back, roll down the window and wave happily.
- At stop signs you are supposed to stop for a good three seconds, make a dead stop and then count out loud, ‘1, 2, 3, GO!’ and then step on the gas. Do not check for any on-coming traffic etc.
- Or don’t make a dead stop, a rolling stop is also great at getting you a fail.
- Never stop for pedestrians, if you see them crossing the road, honk at them to hurry. You have a road test to fail.
- When changing lanes, ignore blind spots and careen wildly into the lane your examiner has told you. Also it helps to chant ‘Oh my God! Oh my God!’ out loud when attempting lane changes.
- Never stop for a school bus unless the examiner shouts at you to.
- When making turns, left or right, steer the wheel with just one hand. Perch your left hand on the window, we all know how ‘cool’ and ‘stylish’ that looks.
- At traffic lights, adjust the back view mirror to check your make up. Every single time. Take your time to adjust it back into position and then accelerate onwards. This should annoy the drivers behind, getting them to honk at you. Honk back, roll down the window and wave at them cheerfully. Also grin at the examiner and ask him which team he’s supporting.
- While driving ask the examiner if he’s heard your phone ring. Then ask him to check it for you and hand it over if there is indeed an incoming call or sms.
- Brake hard, every time. You should feel a lurch forward at the sudden stop, make a great show of it and go, ‘Ouch, ouch!’
- 3 point turns are passé, perfect your ‘U-turns’ and when your examiner points out your mistake, tell him that 3 point turns are outdated, your prefer the seamless-ness of a ‘U-turn.’
- When the examiner asks you to park, parallel, reverse or front, ask him, ‘Do I have to?’
- Or ease into a spot that clearly says ‘No Parking’ or ‘Disabled’.
- Make a great show of checking for blind spots, incoming traffic, pedestrians, and then step on the gas to park. The examiner should be the one to brake, and that is a definite fail.
At the end of the test when the examiner tells you that he has bad news for you, start bawling right away. Ask him, between sobs, what was it that you did wrong?
And there you have it, my select few tips to fail your road test. Remember to share which one of these you tried in your test to score a fail.
About the author:
Aaisha Zafar Islam is the executive editor at MuslimMoms.ca. She is not as dense a driver as this article suggests, her failures should be attributed to colossal bad luck.
Disclaimer: This article is written as satire, MuslimMoms.ca is not responsible if you ‘follow’ any of these ‘tips.’