By Shazia Afzal

So he is the man in my life. My whole universe revolves around him.  He is late from work and I worry to death. All the bad news that Ive ever seen on TV flash in my mind and I say every prayer that comes to my mind. I heave a sigh of relief when I hear his familiar footsteps at the doorstep.

There was a time when I thought I will never get married. I was a free spirit. I wanted to do something with my life. I had big dreams and I used to think that I would never sacrifice my dreams for marriage. Then he came and made me change my mind. No, it did not happen as it does in movies. I did not bump into a tall, dark and handsome stranger in the street who helped me pick up my stuff. No, no!

It just happened. He could make me laugh and that was it. This is not fair for us women! We have a tendency to like people who can make us laugh. It’s not us actually, it’s our hormones and other stupid chemicals in our body that make us fall in love with a man who can make us laugh and at the same time  make us completely oblivious to everything else that is part of the package.

So what was I telling you? Oh yes, that the man in my life is the love of my life and I completely freak out if he is late from work. But the moment he is home a little shift in the emotional drama occurs. He takes off his shoes and leaves them at the door, throws his socks on the floor and his coat on the couch. He opens the fridge door just out of habit, takes out the juice pitcher, empties it into his glass and to my utter shock puts the empty pitcher back in the fridge. The hormones that start running through my blood stream when he gets home are a bit different from the ones that were making those knots in my stomach or the ones that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

These are few of the things that drive me crazy. Let’s see if they drive you up the wall too.

Kill the guy who discovered tea?

Yes, I really want to! The sad part is that this guy is already dead depriving me the pleasure of killing him. Legend says it was a Chinese emperor who discovered it by accident. Now just imagine how easy our lives would be if there was no tea.

Make me a cup of tea!” Hearing this phrase countless times makes me grind my teeth. It could be a plea, a request, a demand or an order depending on my mood and his.

Most of the time I say, “In a minute” with a smile and punch the air in the kitchen before I put water in the teapot.

Laundry – the bane of my existence

Believe me I am a very cool minded person. My blood pressure is usually on the lower side, but an innocent question from the man in my life is enough to make my blood boil. When will you do the laundry? It’s been days.

Even if I do it weekly or daily it is never enough. Even if I wash, iron and hang all his shirts and trousers in his closet like a perfect wife, he wants that one particular shirt that was left unwashed.

To shop or not to shop …with you!

Shopping with men –bad idea!   My man starts by laying out a battle plan. He starts with a list of things we NEED.  We go straight to the mall, shop from the first store picking up the first things that are on the first shelf and voila! Mission accomplished. Time to go home.

Man! That’s painful! Women are hard–wired to browse. In the prehistoric era, human beings lived like hunters and gatherers. Men hunted, so they went out with their batons, devised a strategy to kill and brought back a deer. Women on the other hand would go in the woodlands, walk for miles, going from bush to bush browsing and collecting the ripest berries.

So no matter how hard we try our collective unconscious tells us to browse and browse we shall.

Honey, Can you turn the T.V down?

Obviously he won’t reply because he cannot hear me. Why do men watch movies so loudly? This is a question that needs to be answered. I want my home to be calm, quiet and serene. On the other hand what I hear all the time is bullets being fired, cars crashing, buildings being blown up and police sirens wailing.

The list of  my pet peeves is extremely long without a doubt but sometimes when I am really annoyed, I close my eyes for a moment and imagine my life without him…I open my eyes, take a breath and scold myself.

He can watch the TV as loudly as he wants, he can criticize my long phone calls, and the soaps that I watch, he can ask me to make him tea as many times as he wishes, he can scream about the credit card bills or the lost pair of socks, I just want him to be safe and be always be there for me like a shady tree.

I am like an ordinary droplet of water. He is the Sun. Without him I am just a colorless droplet of water. But together we create rainbows.

Excuse me, I have to go and make some tea!

About the author:

Shazia Afzal is a happy-go-lucky person who enjoys little things in life. She grew up in Pakistan in a large family with a great sense of humour. She has a Master’s degree in English Literature and a Post- grad in Fundraising and Volunteer Management. She is currently working with an International development organization that works for social justice for children in developing countries. In her spare time she loves to – correction – she never has any spare time!

She lives in Mississauga with her tall, dark handsome husband, two lovely children and a pet bird named Buddy who flies around the house and loves pizza.